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Funny stuff.

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Evil - 4-14-2005 at 06:51 PM

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

corkey16 - 4-14-2005 at 06:54 PM

:lol:

What a bad ass kid!

Seb - 4-14-2005 at 10:04 PM

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their
bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old, "I
think it's about time we start cursing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for
breakfast I'm going to say 'hell' and you say 'ass.'"

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks
the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast.

"Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the
kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his
eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his
rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and
shouts, "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at
the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what
do YOU want for breakfast young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your
fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

Evil - 4-14-2005 at 10:54 PM

hahaha. That's awesome.

Jette - 4-15-2005 at 05:31 AM

hehe i love these long-story-jokes :D

poobs - 4-15-2005 at 07:09 AM

Kids cursing is always good for a laugh or two..

TurtleEnterprises - 4-15-2005 at 10:40 AM

Post more you bastards thanx :D

bananaboat - 4-15-2005 at 11:37 AM

Does it have to be on the same topic?

bertbollocks - 4-15-2005 at 02:13 PM

Little Daisy comes home from school and says to her Mum "Little Tommy showed me his willy today and it was like a peanut".
"You mean small ?"asks her Mum.
"No salty"replies Daisy.

minimandy14 - 4-15-2005 at 03:24 PM

awe that was just wrong. . . . the other, I got a good laugh out of though :lol:

poobs - 4-15-2005 at 07:55 PM

Typical dirty English humor..:P

Evil - 4-18-2005 at 09:00 PM

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector
light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,

"Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,

"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

7cut - 4-19-2005 at 01:56 AM

Random selection of dirty jokes:

What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?

Gladiator

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old times sake. He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age. After a couple of minutes he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three Knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "you're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back."

widow had three daughters, whom she got married together. When the daughters were being sent with their husband, Mother told each of her three daughters to write to her about their married life.

On the third day, the mother received a one sentence letter from her elder daughter, which read "Maxwell Coffee". Mother could not understand. When she scanned a magazine, she found the Ad for Maxwell Coffee which said "Satisfaction to the last drop". Mother was happy.

On the Sixth day, the mother received another one sentence letter from her second daughter which read "Rothmans". Having experienced with such messages, the mother found the Ad which read "Life Size, King Size. The mother was happy too.

The mother did not get any letters from her third and pet daughter for almost six weeks. After six tense weeks, she receives an identical one sentence letter which read "British Airways". The mother saw the Ad in a magazine and fainted as it read "Four times a day, seven times a week and both ways".

corkey16 - 4-19-2005 at 06:22 AM

:lol:

funny. I also like the one about the cop and the little girl. I have an old people joke, but it's too long to type.

poobs - 4-19-2005 at 02:14 PM

I thought there was a kid joke theme to this thread.. :rolleyes:

corkey16 - 4-19-2005 at 05:35 PM

There all jokes Poobs. :rolleyes:

Plus the title doesn't say kid jokes. :rolleyes:

[Edited on 20-4-2005 by corkey16]

Evil - 4-19-2005 at 06:56 PM

She never said it was in the title. She said the theme was kid jokes, which it is. Well, it was.

corkey16 - 4-19-2005 at 07:08 PM

So it's not just a kid joke like I said.

Evil - 4-19-2005 at 07:26 PM

How cool!!

minimandy14 - 4-19-2005 at 08:32 PM

:lol:

oh man, I like this thread, it makes me laugh :lol:

keep em comin'. . . . .

Evil - 4-19-2005 at 08:34 PM

There was once a little pony, and it had a pet girl. Well, one day the girl escaped her cage, and the pony was NOT happy about this. So, the pony... I got nothin.

minimandy14 - 4-19-2005 at 08:37 PM

heh, it was good until you just cut it off. . . . I'll take it from here. . .

so one day the girl escapes her cage. and the pony is like wtf what am i going to do now, i have nothing to ride to work. . . . well that just sounded wrong. . . . .someone elses turn. . . .

poobs - 4-19-2005 at 09:14 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by corkey16
There all jokes Poobs. :rolleyes:

Plus the title doesn't say kid jokes. :rolleyes:

Actually the title doesn't say anything about jokes anyways..Evil posted a joke that was funny and others decided to post some jokes that were similar..So it seems that, unintentionally, Evil started a kid-themed joke thread..But it's now ruined..So carry on..

JunoRedneck - 4-19-2005 at 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by minimandy14
heh, it was good until you just cut it off. . . . I'll take it from here. . .

so one day the girl escapes her cage. and the pony is like wtf what am i going to do now, i have nothing to ride to work. . . . well that just sounded wrong. . . . .someone elses turn. . . .

so the girl shoots the pony. get it?

minimandy14 - 4-20-2005 at 07:00 AM

yea. . . . . and the pony is like OMG why did you shoot me. and then girl is like wtf your a pony you can't talk.

Evil - 4-20-2005 at 08:07 AM

I don't think that happened. I'm pretty sure the pony died right after the girl shot it.

poobs - 4-20-2005 at 08:15 AM

:lol:

minimandy14 - 4-20-2005 at 06:49 PM

well, that depends on where the girl shot the pony, cause it could have said it while it was slowly dieing. . . . yea I'm done. . . . . .

7cut - 4-21-2005 at 02:06 AM

i saw two ravens making out this morning!!! :D

Noisemonster - 4-21-2005 at 05:17 AM

tjaha, the birds seem to like you..

Jette - 4-21-2005 at 05:54 AM

hahaha, i love it how it says on the poster that you shouldnt watch the end first :lol:

poobs - 4-21-2005 at 07:06 AM

:lol:

Noisemonster - 4-21-2005 at 07:31 AM

:lol:

mhm, that's sweet..

minimandy14 - 4-21-2005 at 02:27 PM

See it from the BEGINNING! :yes:

7cut - 4-22-2005 at 01:32 AM

at the zoo i once accidentally witnessed two giant turtles making out with noises like machines when their carapaces would crash on each other............letting go impassionate silly screams.

minimandy14 - 4-22-2005 at 04:43 PM

That is the best picture ever.

corkey16 - 4-23-2005 at 09:58 AM

Animals can make out? Didn't know they knew how to french.

minimandy14 - 4-23-2005 at 02:13 PM

They were probably just snapping at eachother. . . . .But in a loving way of course.

7cut - 4-25-2005 at 02:46 AM

Quote:

They were probably just snapping at eachother.

yeah, "probably" :saint:

[Edited on 25-4-2005 by 7cut]

minimandy14 - 4-25-2005 at 02:46 PM

LOL! omg my stepdad has this picture that he took at the San Diego Zoo of turtle porn.

7cut - 4-26-2005 at 12:46 AM

the wonderful world of animal mating:

corkey16 - 4-26-2005 at 08:10 AM

My husbands is like that sometimes in bed. :lol:

Jette - 4-26-2005 at 01:41 PM

yawning?

(sorry, but it was too obvious :P )

corkey16 - 4-26-2005 at 05:23 PM

Jette. There is a yawn button your know. What? you mad that I have a sex beast man?:

poobs - 4-26-2005 at 05:42 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by corkey16
you mad that I have a sex beast ?:

You have sex with a beast? That's nasty..

JunoRedneck - 4-26-2005 at 06:26 PM

:lol:

nasty indeed

7cut - 4-26-2005 at 11:06 PM

oh gosh:

Jette - 4-27-2005 at 06:40 AM

they all love to do it doggy style it seems!

poobs - 4-27-2005 at 07:00 AM

Don't we all?

corkey16 - 4-27-2005 at 07:23 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by poobs

Quote:

Originally posted by corkey16
you mad that I have a sex beast ?:

You have sex with a beast? That's nasty..

It looks like you haven't heard of the term "Sexy Beast" meaning a man that is wild in bed. It's a man, not an actually animal Poobs. :rolleyes:

Jette - 4-27-2005 at 07:29 AM

you dont get any joke do you?

Quote:

Don't we all?

thats probably the only thing me and those crickets have in common

for some reason this fact just popped in to my head, but did you know that we're genetically 95% equal to daffodils?

corkey16 - 4-27-2005 at 07:51 AM

:wow: ready! how? explain please.:duh:

poobs - 4-27-2005 at 08:28 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by corkey16

It looks like you haven't heard of the term "Sexy Beast" meaning a man that is wild in bed. It's a man, not an actually animal Poobs. :rolleyes:

Oh my gosh..Are you fucking kidding me? Are you really that stupid? :wow:

JunoRedneck - 4-27-2005 at 09:13 AM

:yes:

Jette - 4-27-2005 at 09:54 AM

i dont need more evidence to be convinced!

Evil - 4-27-2005 at 10:28 AM

No one does.

minimandy14 - 4-27-2005 at 05:11 PM

Maybe she didn't notice that she typed "sex beast" not "sexY beast" . . . . . . . and then totally tried to fool everyone and pretend that she didn't make that mistake, but didn't fix the post. . . . . . :cool:

see I've got it all figured out. . . . :P

poobs - 4-27-2005 at 06:40 PM

Detective Mini is on the case..

corkey16 - 4-27-2005 at 06:40 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by poobs

Oh my gosh..Are you fucking kidding me? Are you really that stupid? :wow:

No Poobs, you are. Especially if you don't get this easy shit. :rolleyes:

corkey16 - 4-27-2005 at 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by minimandy14
Maybe she didn't notice that she typed "sex beast" not "sexY beast" . . . . . . . and then totally tried to fool everyone and pretend that she didn't make that mistake, but didn't fix the post. . . . . . :cool:

see I've got it all figured out. . . . :P

No minimandy. I typed it right. It's Sex Beast!!! Not Sexy beast. What the fuck?!?! That doesn't sound right. All of you are dumdasses if you don't get this shit. :rolleyes:

corkey16 - 4-27-2005 at 06:43 PM

Mandy. You don't have anything figured out..ok. Your just as dumb.:P

corkey16 - 4-27-2005 at 06:52 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by poobs
Detective Mini is on the case..

What case? Is it the one about licking my butt crack? :lol:

Ok. enough....For now.:P

minimandy14 - 4-27-2005 at 07:18 PM

Uh. . . . .well I think it would be obvious corkey that your the one that has it wrong since there are two of us that say its sexy beast and one of you. . . . an no YOU don't sound right.

JunoRedneck - 4-27-2005 at 07:36 PM

Corkey, I think you're the "dumdass" in this situation.

minimandy14 - 4-27-2005 at 07:58 PM

Oh yea, and that wasn't funny, it was childish and immature. . . .honestly what grown adult says "lick my buttcrack" and use it as an insult.

Evil - 4-27-2005 at 08:11 PM

Way to copy IsaacBot, Juno. Jeez. It was totally my idea in the first place.

JunoRedneck - 4-27-2005 at 08:22 PM

No offense, but I don't read most of IsaacBot's posts. So... I'm sorry?

Evil - 4-27-2005 at 08:23 PM

Snap on dear broham of mine.

7cut - 4-28-2005 at 01:57 AM

change of topic:

Jette - 4-28-2005 at 04:43 AM

sexy beast is a great movie, i loved it :D

corkey16 - 4-28-2005 at 07:55 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by JunoRedneck
Corkey, I think you're the "dumdass" in this situation.

No you are juno cause you fuck stole my avatar dumbass. :mad:

corkey16 - 4-28-2005 at 08:03 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by minimandy14
Oh yea, and that wasn't funny, it was childish and immature. . . .honestly what grown adult says "lick my buttcrack" and use it as an insult.

You don't understand dark humor mandy cause your stupid. :rolleyes:

You girls in here are soooo fucking serious about everything. So what you all are little spoiled pop princesses. That's why you want to correct everyone in which you are the most blocked-headed ones. So what I'm ready saying is ...FUCK YOU!!!!

minimandy14 - 4-28-2005 at 08:25 AM

Well to be honest I didn't have a problem with you until just now, maybe your the block headed one, and no I am not some "spoiled pop princess". I never corrected you once, I was staying pretty neutral and you had to freakin' call me stupid. Lets think for a minute, if more people are calling YOU stupid than people calling US stupid, who do you think is right? Why don't you just lighten up and just take it like a champ.

corkey16 - 4-28-2005 at 08:46 AM

I try to lighten up, but people just get to me sometimes. Mandy, you were the only one it actually liked beside 7cut. You just need to stop agreeing with the rest of the people who always got something to say about me. I always backed you up.

JunoRedneck - 4-28-2005 at 09:28 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by corkey16

Quote:

Originally posted by JunoRedneck
Corkey, I think you're the "dumdass" in this situation.

No you are juno cause you fuck stole my avatar dumbass. :mad:

I borrowed it as a joke. But I suppose you didn't get it. Now, as a response you'll say you did get it and accuse me of being stupid or a bitch... which if you ask anyone, I am neither. Or we can just stop the name calling and let it go, since that is the mature thing to do. What do you say? Can we both be mature?

poobs - 4-28-2005 at 09:31 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by JunoRedneck
Now, as a response you'll say you did get it and accuse me of being stupid or a bitch... which if you ask anyone, I am neither.

Just don't ask me cuz I think Juno is the biggest stupid bitch in the world.. :yes:

JunoRedneck - 4-28-2005 at 09:39 AM

My guess is she wouldn't ask you, poobs. I'm starting to get the feeling she doesn't like you :lol:

poobs - 4-28-2005 at 09:41 AM

Really? But I've made everyone on here like me and want to be me..I guess my spell isn't working on her..It doesn't work on monkeys..:duh:

corkey16 - 4-28-2005 at 09:45 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by JunoRedneck

I borrowed it as a joke. But I suppose you didn't get it. Now, as a response you'll say you did get it and accuse me of being stupid or a bitch... which if you ask anyone, I am neither. Or we can just stop the name calling and let it go, since that is the mature thing to do. What do you say? Can we both be mature?

I don't remember calling you stupid or a bitch Juno. I called you a dumdass just to be funny. I thought it was funny that you use my avatar too. I think the problem is that people take me too serious. I'm just joking on some stuff guys. It's called dark humor.

corkey16 - 4-28-2005 at 09:46 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by poobs
Really? But I've made everyone on here like me and want to be me..I guess my spell isn't working on her..It doesn't work on monkeys..:duh:

Monkey?!?! Hey watch it Poobs! I seen your rabbit picture. Don't get me started. :lol:

poobs - 4-28-2005 at 09:46 AM

Quote:

Juno...hate to say, but....that is just stupid to steal my avatar. What the fuck are you trying to prove?

Sooo..This was meant as a joke and not angry ramblings?

corkey16 - 4-28-2005 at 09:47 AM

Yes. I'm joking.

poobs - 4-28-2005 at 09:49 AM

Hmm..You need some help on your delivery.. :rolleyes:

And what rabbit picture are you talking about?

corkey16 - 4-28-2005 at 09:50 AM

:lol:

the dust bunny. :lol:

Very nice Poobs. :lol:

poobs - 4-28-2005 at 09:52 AM

That was my sister..

poobs - 4-28-2005 at 09:58 AM

And why are you looking at pictures of me and my sister in the first place? You're not stalking me are you?

JunoRedneck - 4-28-2005 at 10:02 AM

You know what's good? Diet Coke with lime. I'm addicted. I can't even concentrate on the subject of this thread. It's gotta be laced with heroin or something.

corkey16 - 4-28-2005 at 10:03 AM

:yes:

i'm on a plot to kidnap you Poobs. Beware. I know where you live, what you eat, where you poop, where you sleep, everything.:ticking: I'm watching you now.........

corkey16 - 4-28-2005 at 10:04 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by JunoRedneck
You know what's good? Diet Coke with lime. I'm addicted. I can't even concentrate on the subject of this thread. It's gotta be laced with heroin or something.

You put the lime in the coke, you nut. and drink it up....or something like that.

poobs - 4-28-2005 at 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by JunoRedneck
You know what's good? Diet Coke with lime. I'm addicted.

I wasn't too keen on the one with lemon, but the lime one is just so crisp and refreshing! :duh:

JunoRedneck - 4-28-2005 at 10:06 AM

I know! It's amazing!

poobs - 4-28-2005 at 10:08 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by corkey16
:yes:

i'm on a plot to kidnap you Poobs. Beware. I know where you live, what you eat, where you poop, where you sleep, everything.:ticking: I'm watching you now.........

Sweet..How does my hair look in the back? I feel like it's a bit flat..But be warned..I'm about to take a shower so if you don't want to be blinded by my whiteness, I would take this time to get a bite to eat..

corkey16 - 4-28-2005 at 10:08 AM

They have a coke musuem in Atlanta (next to the Roxy where Ima Robot performed, just to let you know) and they have all kinds of different coke mixes like raspberry coke, which was good and cocoa flavored which was kinda weird, and also beer and coke which is common.

corkey16 - 4-28-2005 at 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by poobs
Sweet..How does my hair look in the back? I feel like it's a bit flat..But be warned..I'm about to take a shower so if you don't want to be blinded by my whiteness, I would take this time to get a bite to eat..

oh the hair looks nice. Not to worry. I'm going to the In/Out burger, care for anything?

JunoRedneck - 4-28-2005 at 10:15 AM

We don't have an In-N-Out Burger here. We do have an Afghani food restaurant though. Gotta love Santa Cruz.

corkey16 - 4-28-2005 at 10:16 AM

No In/Out burger? Dammit. I thought Cali was popular for that.

JunoRedneck - 4-28-2005 at 10:22 AM

Well, they are popular everywhere else in California. But the hippies here don't like chains. I remember when we got a Borders... people freaked out. They protested and flooded the place once. Evil and I were in there one time and some one threw one of those newspaper things through the window.

corkey16 - 4-28-2005 at 10:24 AM

Weird. Here in Warner Robins They build too many food chains. The people of Warner Robins love to eat i guess. They just builded a Cheddar's here.

JunoRedneck - 4-28-2005 at 10:45 AM

I've never even heard of that. Do they just serve... cheddar?

corkey16 - 4-28-2005 at 10:52 AM

It's kinda like Applebee's but better spinach dip. They don't even serve cheddar. Very nice inside though because it's like a big house that they made into a restaurant but they mainly serve burgers, chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes, the best broccoli cassarole, and samiches.:D Damn, my hubby better hurry up and get home, i'm straving and horney. :lol:

[Edited on 28-4-2005 by corkey16]

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