Ahh..Good ol work poops..I miss the adventure and skill required to pull it off..I realize this is very 5th grade of me, but this cracks me up every time I read it.. :D

Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as the next guy, here is the...

2001 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use if a COURTESY
FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out of the Closet Poopers and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been known to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alters all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in the stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMA-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into bathroom.

LOL!

Good shit...

that is the funniest thing ever! the walk of shame...hahahaha

You turd burglar!:o







[Edited on 2-4-2004 by MichelleRene]

It's funny..cuz it's TRUE!!! I hated sharing a bathroom with the whole floor of the place where I used to work..It was a crap-shoot (ha!) to get the bathroom to yourself! Ugh..

Nice play on words, Amanda..

We have this girl here at the office who everytime, it never freaking fails takes dumps ...when we see her going in the restroom were like oh shit shes gonna be long and she makes it stink so freaking nasty...I know we all shit but she has no shame. She's taking these shitting pills to lose weight but were all suffering from it

Do you guys have air freshener?? We used to have that at my old job, but that was an even bigger indicator that you pooped..As soon as you heard the spray, you knew someone had just pinched a loaf..Sometimes they would over-do it and you would prefer the poo smell over the overpowering scent of mango..:ticking:

Next time she comes out of the bathroom, you should all be there waiting for her and tell her, "Your shit stinks!!!"..:duh:

we call her shit face.. but don't tell her shes kinda big!

Shit face?? That's so harsh!!

Quote:

Originally posted by TurtleEnterprises we call her shit face.. but don't tell her shes kinda big!

You mean she's built like a brick shit house (an old English saying) :D

"She's a brick....House!!" How exactly is a brick shit house built?

I don't know it's just a saying... Built like a brick shit house just means.... BIG.

Dear Cecil:

Where did the phrase "built like a brick shithouse" originate? How can it possibly be considered a compliment? --Erik Smith, Hilton Head, South Carolina

Cecil replies:

You wouldn't ask this question if you'd ever really listened to a man try to compliment a woman. ("Of course I like your outfit, honey. It really de-emphasizes your butt." But you have a point. When one contemplates the comely female form, "brick shithouse" is not the first phrase that springs to mind.

For a broader perspective I consulted what is surely the definitive treatment of the subject, The Vanishing American Outhouse by Ronald S. Barlow (1989). This unpretentious volume has everything you'd want to know about outhouses and then some. (Sample: "State of Maine outhouses are among the sturdiest ever built," accompanied by a photo of a particularly handsome albeit nonbrick example. Something for the New England tourism bureau to think about now that New Hampshire has lost the Old Man of the Mountain.)

The book includes photos of privies constructed using a wide range of materials, including clapboard (by far the commonest), plywood, stucco, concrete, cedar shakes, logs, corrugated tin, scrap lumber, and of course brick. The brick shithouses are generally pretty impressive architecturally, but not even the most obtuse male is likely to see the spitting image of his lady love therein--not unless she's got a physique like a defensive lineman. They are, however, well built, especially in contrast to the flimsy wooden variety, and it's strictly in this narrow sense that the phrase is usually applied to a woman. (To quote the relevant Commodores tune: "The lady's stacked and that's a fact."

You may think: I've heard of people being deaf to secondary associations, but this takes the cake. Well, no. The guy who first used "built like a brick shithouse" to describe a woman with a nice figure wasn't thickheaded, just a smart-ass. From the Random House Historical Dictionary of American Slang we learn that: (a) the phrase and its euphemistic variants date back at least to 1903; (b) said variants replace "shithouse" with switch shanty, schoolhouse, slaughterhouse, or backhouse, among others; and (c) all were originally--and more sensibly--applied to men of solid or powerful build. When said of women, one 1938 source notes, the phrase usually meant a "heavy, cloddish, sexually unappetizing female." But even in the 1930s a few wiseguys were applying it to attractive women, and in the U.S. that usage has now supplanted all others.

But not everywhere. In Australia and the UK, at least, "built like a brick shithouse" still most commonly refers to well-built men. Therefore be advised to use caution in tossing this phrase about whilst abroad; you may be taking your life in your hands.

Quote:

Originally posted by poobs

Ha ha.... Something llike that..

Oh my..

this is so Capri-cornian of you ...I know you got a goat loose somewhere in that yard of yours...

Hilarious. We're temporarily in an old building until our new building is finished, and males/females share the same one, so needless to say I'm forwarding this as an email to everyone in office. They'll get a big kick out of it. Right now there's a note posted in restroom regarding someone with a leaky faucet to stand closer to toilet. There's also a couple of unfortunates who have their desk right next to the restroom.

p.s. To avoid this scenario, I've tried to retrain my excremental schedule(oh that was good) to either in the morning before work, or afterwork, but when there are exceptions, I try to cruise around the corner to McDonalds during break, or something. It's a damn shame when I went to go check on the progress of our new building, and really got excited over the restrooms.

[Edited on 2-4-2004 by Neuwave]

Quote:

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alters all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in the stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

My fave by far.

Trev, I'm a Virgo..Do I still have goats in my front yard?

Neuwave, I think Jailbreak is my favorite..

hahaha, that was fucking hilarious, I do almost all of these (except turd burglar, that happens the other way :p) on a regular basis! I'm at home though, and have a lighter handy at all times, so I don't need to courtesy flush I also can't smell now because of allergies, so again, doesn't bother me :P I refuse to shit at other places unless it's an absolute emergency.

One time I shit in the room between outside and the bathrooms at Sonic. It was like 5 am, nobody was there, but they forgot to lock that door (locked the fucking bathrooms) and it was shitting there, or in my pantaloms. It was NASTY to say the least! Hate to work at sonic the next morning (or any morning, for that matter!) :P

Quote:

Originally posted by Smitty2Jones One time I shit in the room between outside and the bathrooms at Sonic. It was like 5 am, nobody was there, but they forgot to lock that door (locked the fucking bathrooms) and it was shitting there, or in my pantaloms. It was NASTY to say the least! Hate to work at sonic the next morning (or any morning, for that matter!) :P

Dude..That's so gross..How can people poo outside at all?? I need my toilet at home.. My brother took a poop in his friend's driveway cuz he didn't think he could make it into the house..Needless to say, it wasn't solid poo and was running down the driveway..How is that boy related to me??:o

smokey took a shit outside of his house in the movie friday, and if i had to really go, i wouldn't mind taking a shit ouside either................

This still cracks my shit (hardee har har) up!! Sorry..I'm bored.. :D

Quote:

Originally posted by poobs Ahh..Good ol work poops..I miss the adventure and skill required to pull it off..I realize this is very 5th grade of me, but this cracks me up every time I read it.. :D Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as the next guy, here is the... 2001 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use if a COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out of the Closet Poopers and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been known to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alters all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in the stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMA-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE. UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into bathroom.

http://www.roopooco.com/prd_koa.htm


ahhh...koala poo earrings...what tha hell?:duh:

tasmanian devil doo.......perfect gift for that special someone..hahahah